The Undefined
I had another meeting with my career coach this week, I got the sense she was frustrated with me. She asked what I had hoped to get from our meeting on that day; in my mind I immediately thought “I want help figuring out what to do that’s why I hired a career coach”! In speaking out loud I was more polite. I also spoke in circles because I am unsure of what I need right now, which is frustrating to me, and probably why she was frustrated as well. This is the first time in my life that I have found myself without a clear plan. I have goals, such as building a successful business. I am learning that process step by step and making several mistakes along the way, some big and some small. What I come back to over and over again, is the notion that if I had continued with my career in higher ed, I would not have the space, time, energy or creative opportunity to start a business. On the other hand, I would have the financial security necessary to meet my basic needs and support the business startup costs as well. This moment in time feels like a rock and a hard place.
As I scrolled through social media the other day, exploring how other yogis and aromatherapists promote their work, I came across an insightful video. I’m not sure what made me stop and listen for a minute, but I’m so glad I did! The speaker wasn’t someone I followed, but her words and message really resonated with me.
She said, “whenever you go through a big change…whatever it is, you’re going to go through a period of being undefined. You won’t know what you are, and our culture doesn’t like that. It typically says, get control, figure out what you want to be, set some goals…we are in a cycle like the seasons and the season of being undefined has to play out. So instead of control, try trust.”
Once again, I love when the universe puts a message in my path that I desperately need to hear. I am undefined! For so long I allowed my career to be the definition of who I am. The titles I held impressed others, they meant I had achieved A LOT. The titles commanded a level of respect and clearly defined what I was responsible for. The titles meant less to me personally, what held the most significance was the work I was able to do and the amount of responsibility I held. The bigger the title, the more responsibility and accountability I had. It also meant I could help support more people in various ways, I had more opportunity to mentor and grow young staff and influence students. In these roles, I had clear definition.
As someone with anxiety, being “undefined” makes my head swirl. Thoughts around what to do next keep me up at night and make it hard to focus. I am already struggling to focus on all of the things I have on my plate. I’ve taken on too much trying to “redefine” myself. I feel disorganized in my mind and that is showing up in my home, in my finances, and with the business.
I’m overwhelmed with the amount of “stuff” around the house as I move from room to room working on various projects. I’m overpowered by the number of financial accounts I have for the business and personally, it's too much to keep track of! Too many payments, too many accounts, too many due dates, it’s a LOT to navigate. I also jumped right out of the gate with a full-on business idea that has many moving parts; yoga, meditation, aromatherapy, room for counseling, no physical location, no-online sales, minimal marketing, etc. It’s a lot for me to explain and promote. The folks I talk to think it’s an amazing business concept, however mentors in the business world are having a hard time “defining” the business. It’s been fascinating and challenging, navigating a world outside of education.
I’ve spent time meditating and reflecting on things over the weekend, thinking about what I need to do to feel more comfortable allowing this period of “undefined” to play itself out. I do have trust and faith, I’ve lived long enough to know that I will always have access to what I need, when I need it. What became clear to me is that while I am allowing this period of undefined to play out, I don’t have to also be disorganized and all over the place (in my head and in real life, lol). I am refocusing my energy moving forward, dialing back on some of the many things I hope to accomplish (realizing I don’t have to accomplish them all at the same time). I’m creating a revised plan to help refocus my attention and energy.
I am grateful to be teaching yoga at Elite Performance Center in Centennial. While I continue to work towards my 500-hour yoga teacher training, I will focus my attention and energy on growing a base of yogis at Elite. Rather than hosting regularly scheduled yoga classes on my own, I am going to use this summer to host pop-up classes at local businesses, slowly cultivating my own following. I am going to focus on the aromatherapy portion of the business, selling essential oil inhalers and other blends at the farmers markets this summer and expand clientele. I’m working my way through each room in my home, purging things I no longer use or wear, and prepping it for a yard sale when the weather warms up, generating income and getting rid of crap. I have a number of unfinished projects (a gutted bathroom for starters), I’m giving myself some deadlines to finish those, so I feel more organized! I am also dedicating time to finding meaningful, full-time work. That in and of itself is a part-time gig and requires organization and attention on my end.
I’m looking forward to seeing myself as a butterfly emerging from her undefined cocoon. Who will she be? What will she become? What beautiful experiences await her as she floats and flutters through the world? I can’t wait to find out!
Have you survived a period of being “undefined” in your life? What were the circumstances, how did you navigate it? Did you force yourself to take control or did you surrender to trust and allow the experience to play out? How did you feel in your moment of being undefined? Take 10 minutes to journal and / or meditate on what this was like and how you’ve grown from your experience. Feeling brave? Share your story on our Facebook page, knowing you are not alone!!!
